Twenty Eight

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005

I've been twenty eight for a little over two days now, and I have to tell you that I honestly don't care. Sure, I joke to people that I'm getting older. I'm one step closer to death. All of that shit that you feel obligated to say to your cynical friends, hoping for a laugh. But in truth, I'm still the same old me. Same thoughts, same job, same zip code. Nothing changes except the number.

Or perhaps everything does. Do you know I have trouble doing things that don't have a definite purpose? Do you know that I can't seem to do anything relaxing – something that doesn't require a single thought – for more than a few minutes without feeling restless? I used to be able to manage this feat once in a while – to let an entire day, or at least half of one, pass into relaxing oblivion without worrying about productivity and obligations and shit i should be doing instead of relaxing.

My friend Brian left for work today (he teaches) which meant I was by myself. I went for a jog, ate lunch, and then lay down in the sun. Most people I talk to seem to think sunbathing is a spectacular leisure activity, but in my brain I think something different. I think: Here's another task that I should do. I want to get tanned. I ought to complete this goal.

And then I think that there must be something wrong with me. I can't seem to let things go the way that other people do. I can't enjoy the sun. Instead, today, even though I have the day off, I've been periodically thinking about work. Can't seem to get it out of my brain. I suppose it could be worse. I'm graced with long stretches where Brian and I are so busy goofing around that I don't think of Neil (my manager at work) even once. Then I'll suddenly think of him. And work.

The pressure momentarily comes back and I want to do something – anything – to relieve it. But there's really nothing that can be done. I can feel it right now if I let myself. It lurks behind and under me, always out of sight but ever present and inescapable in a place felt but unseen. I have come to think of this as office-space-gravity, an unseen force which continually pulls my thoughts back to it.

Anyhow the bad news is that I think I'm getting sick. Probably brought on by the drinking, which lowers my auto immune system, as well as the fact that I'm not sleeping well or enough, combined with the sun that I got today, which also depresses my immune system. All this means, I think, that germs have an easier time making me sick because my body isn't fighting back all that well. Great.

Brian says he's having a good time with me so far but I'm not entirely convinced. At times I feel okay. Like we're having fun. And then there are other times when I just feel sort of hollow. Hollow, but tense. Like I should be having a lot more fun than I am, considering I'm not working. I should be fucking ecstatic. Instead I feel like I must act like I am having a great time, even though I am not always having a great time, and in fact, I wonder if there's even any difference in the way I feel today, hanging out with one of my so-called best friends, and the way I feel in the office, where Neil lurks with his constant demands. Gravity pulls masses together across time and space. It does not matter how far apart these physical bodies are. Intergalatic forces operate on their own rules without cessation.

Anyhow, enough of how I'm feeling. I could write about how I'm feeling all day long but it isn't going to change anything. Honestly.

Brian will be back in an hour and I will need energy to resume the performance. I will try for a nap, this time in the shade.